Post-op Guilt

I'm experiencing a range of emotions I was not only unprepared for, but I also certainly never expected while I've been at home recovering from surgery.  Of course if you are anything like me, and you are a relatively proud person, admitting you need help with something is hard enough on its own but actually asking someone for help can be a true test of your humility.

With that being said, I've started to develop a pang of guilt for being in the position I am currently in.  Let me elaborate.

I'm at home all day, every day, with nothing to do but sit in bed and 'recover'.  With a fair bit of discomfort I am able to sort of 'hop' around with the crutches to do things like go to the bathroom, go to the kitchen to get a new ice pack, etc.  Because I have to use both hands to use the crutches, carrying things around the apartment either doesn't work or I have to be pretty creative about it.  I'm also unable to put any weight at all on my recovering leg, so even if I put the crutches down, I am still only on one leg.  Now, this might not sound very bad to you, but I assure you that after a full week of doing this you find areas of your body are aching that you might have never expected.  My shoulders, the palms of my hands, and my wrists ache from using the crutches, my left hamstring and butt are VERY sore from being the sole leg I'm able to use, my right hip hurts from having to hold my right leg straight all the time, my back hurts from sitting in bed for hours and hours every day... the list goes on right now.

I'm restricted to eating what is left in the bedroom for me (currently I have a box of Quaker granola bars) and the water in the pitcher that is pretty much always room temperature.  If I get to the kitchen I can only stand for so long trying to get something to eat before I start to get dizzy from the pain of standing up, so I've been restricted to cold pizza on the two occasions I managed to get in there and get something to eat.

I can't shower yet because I am on one leg, and I can't have a bath yet because my incisions aren't completely healed yet, so I've only been allowed sponge baths.  You can imagine how inconvenient and tedious this process is.  I'm also only able to wash my hair in the sink, and with one sore leg and one leg I have to keep straight at all times, and having to use the small sink in the bathroom that my head barely fits in, this also gets to be very difficult.

So yeah... sitting at home recovering is nothing short of miserable.  I'm here alone all day every day with very little to entertain me, I'm pretty much always hungry and sore, and I'm hesitant to try to do too much at the risk of falling and not being able to get up, tweaking my knee in some weird way by accident and causing further injury, or just wearing myself out more than I already am by using my crutches too much.

And despite all this, I feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I can't clean my apartment despite the growing mess.  I feel guilty that I can't feed myself, I can't walk the dog, I can't do any laundry, I can't work, can't drive, can't go to the bank, can't do groceries...

Despite the many offers to help and the handful of people who have generously helped when and where they can, I still feel guilty that I can't just do these things myself.  I feel like I'm inconveniencing people when I ask for help, especially my husband.  Maybe some people don't find asking for help as difficult as I do, and if that's the case, then I envy those people.  But for me, asking for help is difficult because I hate to put people out; I hate to inconvenience people and I really hate to hear 'no' because often I take it personally and I know I shouldn't.

Even admitting these things out loud is difficult for me, because I have no idea how it will be taken, let alone if anyone will even care or at the very least even read this.  I suppose I'm just hoping that at least one person gets what I'm saying here, and then maybe I won't feel like such a freak for feeling guilty because I had surgery and I need other people to help me while I can't help myself.  And who knows... maybe one day I'll be able to get over asking for help and I won't feel like I'm admitting defeat by asking... and maybe people around me will finally realize just how hard it is for me to even ask.