Safety

I need to feel safe. Security is something I had very little of growing up. I couldn't rely on my home being a safe place for me. My relationship with both of my parents was unpredictable at best, and downright scary at worst.

We didn't have the type of family where we talked about our emotions. We didn't really talk about anything; with each other or with anybody else. The kids followed orders or otherwise we kept a low profile and just hoped that we wouldn't be targeted by a foul mood or an errant chore.

The masks we wore in public were something we learned from a very early age. We were to behave a certain way when company was over or when we were out in public. We were well-behaved, courteous, and quiet. We were clean and dressed appropriately. We all played the part very well. It was like a play being performed. No fighting with each other, no back-talk, no doing things you aren't supposed to do... otherwise we all knew the consequences when we'd get home, or get in the car. Most importantly, we never talked about the things that went on at home to anyone. We didn't talk to family, friends, teachers, neighbors; we just didn't talk about it. It wasn't just discipline that kept us quiet, it was genuine fear. The threats uttered weren't idle for us.

Unpredictability became so commonplace that I grew to find monotony and routine as the calm before the inevitable storm. The longer the calm lasted, the more anxious I would become. Before I was even 11 years old, I began to find laughter, celebration, and general good moods around my house to be such high-tension moments of my life that I had trouble sleeping and eating became difficult.

Things are very different in my family today. So different, in fact, that I often feel like I don't belong to this new family. It's an environment where good moods and laughter are much more common. Joking around, playfulness, and frank conversations happen frequently.

But I still don't feel safe. The scars left on me from all those years have never healed. I am still anxious in moments of peace. I still struggle with talking about my emotions instead of letting them run rough shot over my life. I still feel inadequate most of the time. I still fight urges to try to play peacemaker in every situation. I still feel alone due to finding it so difficult to talk to people about how I'm feeling or what I'm going through.

I'm working on it, though. And that's all any of us can do: try. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to feel like I don't belong anywhere or that I am somehow beyond repair or more than anyone should have to 'deal with'. So I'm working on it. I'm talking finally. I'm letting the poison out so that I can begin to heal and begin to find my voice.

Are you really living your life? Or are you just surviving it?

We all have our routines.

When I put my shoes on, the right one always goes on first. When I drink coffee, I always put cream in before the coffee so I don't have to stir it. When I get in my car, I always put my seatbelt on before I start the car. These things are so ingrained in my life they barely register consciously.

Then there are those parts of our lives that we engage in.

We are present and consciously aware of our actions and reactions. When I'm listening to someone explain something I'm trying to understand, I will actively create mnemonic devices to commit facts to memory. When I am trying to cheer someone up, I will always look them in the eye and smile a lot (we are mimic creatures and we can effect one another's emotions with assertive social cues - how neat!).

Unfortunately there are aspects of all of our lives we aren't really sure how to deal with.

When we experience an upsetting event, do we allow our emotions to respond naturally and ride it out? Do we stop, step back, attempt to control what we're feeling and stub it out or swallow it down? When it comes to things like mental health, trauma, abuse, etc., it can be very difficult for many of us to feel confident that we know how to handle things.

My trauma

Recovering from childhood trauma is not easy. It is not quick. It is not neat or clean or painless. And it is anything but predictable or even measurable. It can sometimes also be very difficult to do alone or without professional help.

Childhood abuse causes severe, long-term trauma. Some of it you find yourself tripping over well into adulthood; many years after the initial incidents. I have been doing recovery work for going on ten years now. And even this many years after entering counseling and exploring behavioral cognitive therapy to change how I think and process information, I am still stunned sometimes at how much I unearth and how much work I have to do.

Self doubt. Imposter Syndrome. Anxiety. Worthlessness. I have a lot of markers of an abuse victim.

Impatience. Hostility. Stubbornness. Tenacity. I also have the markers of a fighter and a survivor.

Emotional sensitivity. Heightened empathy. Candid communication. Transparency. I have discovered ways to use the survival skills of being around abusive people for positive internal growth and have even found a career that enables me to utilize these traits effectively.

How I live

While I bear these scars from my childhood trauma, some traits have become helpful, but many are not. The anger and hostility, for example, have done irreparable damage on many relationships. And while the defense mechanism of protecting myself with an intimidating exterior is effective at keeping people who may harm me at bay... it also prevents those who may help me from ever reaching me. I work on this particular negative trait continuously.

I am triggered constantly. It took me many years to recognize many of my triggers, but having realized what they were also enabled me to acknowledge them and handle them in a safe, healthy way for me. Instead of ignoring their effects, I would allow myself to explore if my immediate inclined response was appropriate or if I was reacting to the trigger. In many cases I was able to identify an overreaction because of a trigger, and control my reaction. This work remains ongoing.

Healing

When I first started seeing a counselor several years ago, I started to learn how to change how I process information and how I react and why that has to be a conscious effort. Every single time. Every time I am going to react, I have stop, breathe, and think about how my brain is processing that information. In doing this, you quickly realize how illogical your abused mind is. How defensive and paranoid it can be. You have to stop the way you process and consider only the facts presented to you instead of your assumptions or your fears. You must continue doing this until your immediate inclination is not harmful or contributing to toxic thought processes.

I am happy to say that by and large my hostility has receded into a reaction that isn't common or expected any more. It was my first big challenge in my recovery. And while I still retain the ability to react in a hostile way during moments of stress, I am almost always able to manage it in a healthy way.

Today

The two traits that cause me the most ongoing distress are my nagging self doubt and the feeling of being an imposter.

"The imposter syndrome is the inability to accept and claim accomplishments no matter what level of success, even with hard-won achievements because there is an irrational fear that you don't deserve the success or maybe you are just a fraud. Outward signs of accomplishment are seen as just good luck or good timing. An "imposter" feels as if she or he has been deceptive and has made others think he or she is more intelligent or skilled than they really are. While this is true for narcissists who don't necessarily have the resume to back up the grandiosity, it is not true for hard-won success."

To begin to understand why I experience these two traits (often in conjunction with one another), I have had to dive deep into the interactions I had growing up in the environment I had as a kid.

Once I begin to unravel the roots of where my self doubt came from (constant criticism), I have had to then explore why I have such difficulty owning my achievements and attributing my successes to my own accomplishments and not feats of 'luck' or 'fortuitous timing' or (worst of all) 'by the grace of others'.

That's all well and good to lay out like that in black and white... but that doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't mean that in those moments I'm able to objectively and critically analyze what is going on and respond with grace and poise.

This is constant work. It is every day, all day.

How I keep getting up every day

It is you. You who made it this far. You who read all of this because you care. Because you want to understand. Because you ask. It is with the support of others around me that I'm able to keep fighting for myself. To keep plowing forward every day when I'm feeling like giving up and giving in.

I am thankful to those who support me more than I feel like I've ever been able to articulate. I am thankful for the people in my life who challenge me. Who support me completely. Who believe in me. Who know I can push through my dark times and who celebrate for me when I'm unable to. I am appreciative of the patience and understanding and genuine care and concern the people in my life have for me.

Find those people who won't walk away, and cherish them. Tell them you love them and keep them close to you. Your support network really does make the difference between actually living your life and just surviving it.

Don't say I'm Sorry

After my dad died, I never stopped walking on the pads of my feet.

When you've lost a parent at a young age, you come to predict the types of reactions you'll get from people when they find out. One reaction you never get is relief.

I still have moments sometimes where I am yanked into my past.

I am 11 years old and I am walking on the pads of my feet. The curtains and blinds are drawn throughout the house. It is summer and our house is like a crypt. We speak in hushed tones when we speak at all. Dad is trying to sleep. The coughs from the bedroom at the far end of the house are a constant reminder of why we're so quiet.

I am 9 and it is late fall during a wind storm. The sun has gone down, the power is out and dad is drinking. We huddle together in the light of mom's hurricane lamps. As my siblings make jokes and try to scare each other about the dark, I watch mom as she watches dad.  Their dance is a familiar one. Dad is on his second beer and has just hit his happy buzz. Like mom, I know how short-lived this phase is, and how easily it can turn. I try to crack jokes to lighten the tension in the room. The other kids don't seem to notice. Dad asks me to get him another beer. Mom's lips tighten in the dim light and Dad says, "What?" with an accusing tone to her. I jump up and ask Dad if he wants me to crush the can. I join the dance, and diffuse the tension a little. I leave the room on the pads of my feet.

I'm 10, it is spring and we're on a good run. It's been days since anyone got in trouble. Mom suggests we eat dinner in the living room while we watch a movie. Dad agrees. In the blurry span of minutes, our house goes from laughing to screaming. A red plastic dinner plate flies from where dad sits to the dining room floor. We sit frozen, unsure of what we should do. The screaming goes on for a few hours, long after we're banished to our rooms.  We sit by our doors listening to the fight. I silently wish someone would come save us. We walk around on the pads of our feet.

I'm 6 or so. Our aunt and cousins are over and we're all in one of the bedrooms. Our uncle has beaten our aunt again, and my dad is shouting in the living room. Soon there's shouting outside and there are women screaming. Soon we see red and blue flashing lights from the bedroom window.  Later I overhear mom saying that my uncle is in the hospital.  I hear something about a baseball bat and dad. I sneak back to my room on the pads of my feet.

I'm 9 and one of us has done something bad. We're punished in turn until the guilty person confesses. Not for the first time, our youngest sister confesses even though we all know it wasn't her. She speaks up to keep us all from getting in any more trouble. Dad won't punish us, but forces mom to. Mom knows it wasn't our sister who did it, and sends her out to the living room to sit with dad. We all know she is dad's favorite and she'll be okay with him. My brother confesses, and when dad hears he pulls my brother into his bedroom and closes the door. That is the first time I feel true rage. This is the first time I think about killing dad. I walk past the door on the pads of my feet.

I'm 12 and it's summer. The street lights are just coming on, and I'm walking with my friend around the corner from her house to mine. As we draw near, I see the front door is open. This means mom hasn't closed the door so the neighbors won't hear the screaming. We walk in and it's quiet. I don't hear anybody, so I wonder who's home. I find mom in her bedroom, crying. She tells me my sisters are at a neighbor's house and dad is in jail. Either then or eavesdropping later I hear something about guns, suicide attempt, drinking.

I'm 12 and it's summer. I am walking down my friend's gravel driveway, my left hand feeling the tops of the messy white cedar hedges as I walk and I hear myself say, "I wish he'd just die." The echoes of those words reverberating through all the years between then and now...

I am propelled back to the present. Silence, which has been drilled firmly into me, is golden. I walk around my apartment on the pads of my feet. I find myself wondering what is must have been like for other kids who grew up without the fear of violence. I wonder what it must be like for the kids in our family now.  Now that he's dead and my mom has found her freedom and her happiness in a relationship with a good man who is raising the kids right.

It's taken a lot of years of honest inner reflection to face the demons that kept me in pieces.  I've overcome more than I ever realized I would need to. I am genuinely proud of how far I've come. Yet I still flinch when someone shouts suddenly near me. I still struggle making eye contact and being assertive. I still harbor a lot of anger and bitterness. I still walk on the pads of my feet.

I did lose a parent at a young age. A parent I loved very much. A parent I learned a lot from, was inspired by and who helped shape me into the person I am today.

But I don't need condolences. I need relief. Relief for having been freed from a life of lies, secrets, violence and manipulation. I need pride for my mom for surviving and overcoming all she did for us and for herself. Most of all I need patience and understanding. Because I still walk on the pads of my feet.

One of the Boys

I've always been drawn to boys' social circles more than girl circles. It's just who I am. With a few exceptions in my life (and living in a lot of different cities growing up), I was always welcome with the boys. It was great to be included and welcome, and the boys genuinely liked my company.

It never occurred to me that one day the playing field would shift, mindsets would change, and as those boys became adults, they would learn the ways of a culture I myself hadn't even become aware of yet.  I never imagined that one day the only social place I felt safe as a child would be the most unwelcoming and sometimes even hostile environment.

"You won - gender inequality doesn't exist anymore."

If gender inequality doesn't exist, then why are women so vehemently jealous of their partners having friends who are women (and vice versa!)

If gender inequality doesn't exist, then why do men treat women differently (and vice versa!)

If gender inequality doesn't exist, then why are men regarded as better authority figures than women

If gender inequality doesn't exist then why are men seen as 'assertive' and women seen as 'combative'

Stop saying gender inequality doesn't exist.  It does exist.  It permeates the behavior of men who genuinely believe that they are 'modern' men who have equal, respectful relationships with their independent, self-empowered wives.  The mindset is so ingrained that it leaks out in subtle ways constantly.  Each act in itself insignificant, but added up create a persona of superiority, dominance and indifference.

The obvious attacks are the ones you can prepare yourself for.  You can prepare yourself mentally for the comment about to come out of the loud mouth of the ass-slapping type of guy.  There is no preparation for being talked over in the middle of a thought; for watching someone open their phone as you start to speak to them; you simply can't prepare yourself for the subtle ways men have of cordoning you into a box in their mind, and their immediate aversion when you step outside that box.

Stop saying gender inequality doesn't exist.  It does exist.  What's between your legs does not matter.  Instead learn to judge people on the basis of who they are as a human being.

I'm not a kid anymore, and I can't just go hang out with the boys. I've been forced to accept my assigned role, and I'm required to feign gladness at my good fortune that I wasn't unlucky enough to be born in a less fortunate country as a woman.

Gender inequality does exist. And every time you treat someone differently because of gender, you contribute to the problem.

Why I'm a Feminist

From movies, television, music and games to the workplace and the family, women are treated as inferior to men.  We have raised generation after generation to view the world and women from the point of view of men.  Women are objectified (denied agency), and are seen from the outside - our own consciousness , our thoughts and our feelings completely overlooked.

Even in our every day conversation, male pronouns dominate our vocabulary and our ideas.  Every dog we see is a 'he', every stick figure a 'he', even humans thought of as 'mankind'.  The only exceptions are boats, cars, bikes and ships - which are (not surprisingly) 'she' - because they are objects and possessions of men.

Even when we're shown cases of male violence and sexual abuse, we look at it from the man's point of view: "He must have been provoked", "He was a nice guy that just snapped", "She must have confused him with her signals", "I bet he was falsely accused, it's horrible he has to go to jail now."  We victim blame, we spit out rape/violence apologist comments, and through it all we start to see that as a society we only look through men's eyes.

Remarkably, even in defense of women we tell society to look at women as objects.  Even when we speak out against violence against women we see people telling others to imagine her as "somebody's wife, somebody's mother, somebody's daughter, or somebody's sister," As if it never occurs to us that maybe... JUST MAYBE... that woman is also a "somebody".

Movies and Television

I really shouldn't need to point out how we objectify and scrutinize and marginalize women in our movies and television.  But for the sake of consistency, I will.  I do want to start by saying Objectification doesn't necessarily mean women dolled up in varying degrees of undress purely for men's eyes.  Sexual objectification is certainly its own problem, but that is simply one part of the problem.

Women are reduced to the sum of their body parts, Photoshopped to fit an ever-narrowing standard of female beauty, and put on display as pieces of property to be owned.  This grabs our attention, and most if not all of us recognize the issue with this imagery.

Yet only focusing on the 'sexual' aspect can obscure the much bigger issue of real 'objectification' which goes on in our society.  The big problem is the difference between subject status and object status.  A subject is, by definition, active - with agency, while an object is passive - being acted upon.  For example, "Fiona stroked the cat" - we can see that 'Fiona' has subject status, while 'the cat' has object status.  Ideally, we would each find ourselves cast as either subject or object at different times in conversation and representation, because that's normal vocabulary.  However, in our society, the dominant verbage used is heavily gendered, with men granted the status of subject and women severely objectified.

These messages start at a remarkably young age in our culture.  Janice McCabe did a study that showed male characters in children's books outnumber female ones, and even when characters are gender neutral (like animals), parents often read them as male to their kids (Guardian).  This also happens in children's shows, where only a third of lead roles are female (The Independent).   It's referred to as the Smurfette Principle, where only one female character is present on an entire cast of male ones.  'Female' has become a characteristic all its own.

Our entire visual entertainment culture revolves around boys and men.  The majority of films produced tell stories about men, with women cast as girlfriends, wives, mothers or other periphery roles (LA Times).  In any given year, only about 12-15% of top grossing Hollywood movies focus on women and their stories (Motion Picture Association of America).  And those are degradingly referred to as chick flicks and are almost always focused on women looking for a man to 'complete' them, 'save' them,  or 'redeem' them in some way.

Video Games

There were about 17.4 million gamers in the US in 2012 (NPD).  This number means a significant part of our culture exists online in games, which also makes it a medium we simply can't ignore.  Just hearing a female voice used over voice-chat in online games is enough to illicit a negative reaction toward females in games.

Researchers from Ohio University ran an experiment within Halo 3 which looked to determine whether gamers reacted differently to male and female voices within the online game.  The experiment was run with two accounts, one male and one female who were not aware they were a part of the study.  For each account, identical phrases that were designed not to illicit a negative response were recorded by both the man and the woman, and were played through an iPod during live play.  The two accounts only varied in two ways - their nickname and gender representation.  245 games were recorded and played live, and 163 of those included verbal communication and were later analyzed.

The result - the female received nearly three times as many directly negative comments as the male.

The phrase "hi everybody" alone was enough to spark reactions ranging from "shut up you whore" to "so whatever that voice was, are you a hooker or are you a dude?" When the female wasn't receiving derogatory gendered language, she was asked out (New Media and Society).

Workplace

Women still only make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes.  That's a difference of $10,000 a year (Gender Wage Gap).

This gap starts as early as college in North America, where women make an average of 82% of what men make (AAUW).  In the first year of their careers, men typically make $7,600 more than women (Bureau of Labor Statistics).

Women, on average, make up only slightly more than 10% of chief financial officers (Bloomberg).  More than 1/3 of North American companies have zero women employed in senior management positions at all (Catalyst).   Of the companies that did have women at the top in 2010 - they only made up 6.2% of those top earning positions (Catalyst).

On top of the statistical barriers that hold women back, there's the psychological roadblocks in our culture that aim to keep women in a position lower than men.  Women face a variety of stereotypes in the workplace like: They don't need more money because they're not the primary breadwinner, they can't do certain jobs that are considered men's work, they're supposed to act a certain kind of feminine in the workplace, they're not as committed to their jobs because they're the primary caregiver of their kids.  Office culture is the longest-standing gender biased area of our society, and the norms there are grossly dominated by men (Forbes). 

Why I'm a Feminist

I wrote a brief piece yesterday about some of the verbal attacks I've received in different situations, and attacks I've witnessed on friends.

The post got two responses:

abuse wise on average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day. In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner. The same year, 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. Intimate partner homicides accounted for 30% of the murders of women and 5% percent of the murders of men.(Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 1993-2004, 2006.)

More people die from aids, car accidents, smoking, heart disease, cancer, diabetes and hippopotamuses. With only 20% women experiencing domestic violence in their LIFETIME. I fail to see how this abuse is an out of control problem unless you mean, "someone said something mean to me" and we should "stand against this abuse" of mean words. Sounds like you ran into a jerk and they come in all races/genders. So maybe you not talk to those people anymore instead of making a call to arms on the internet.

And this gem:

Feminists are retarded. This article is proof.  

You see, even within 5 hours of posting I was already receiving confusion, discouragement, and abuse.  THIS is why I'm a feminist.  Our patriarchal society is so overarching that we don't even think twice about slamming women when they speak out against injustice, and even go so far as to cite statistics as to why we should 'not talk to those people' anymore.

Why hadn't I thought of that?!

*Starts packing for the shack in the woods*

Why you should be a feminist

Get a sense of humor.
It was just a joke.
You're too sensitive.
This is just how it is.
This is our world, not yours.
We only gave you rights to shut you up.
You should be grateful for what we let you have.
Your kind are the reason women need to get beaten.
Learn your place.
Get on your knees where you belong.
Someone is going to rape you one day.
I hope someone finds you in an alley.
If my wife talked like you do, I'd knock her teeth out.
You need a tampon.
Someone has sand in her vagina.
Sounds like it's somebody's time of the month.
Someone needs a man to put her in her place.
Get back in the kitchen.
Make me a sandwich.
You wouldn't talk so much with my ---- in your mouth.

There is an idea that this kind of scum only exists in seedy places like poorly-lit bars or in back alleys of sketchy neighborhoods.  Wrong.  These are things I've heard said to me, and I've personally heard men say to friends of mine.  At bookstores, in offices, in coffee shops, and on the street.  The place I hear these types of things the most often though - male-dominated parts of our world.  Places that men have claimed and hold on to with a ferocity that rivals wild animals.

The irony is how often these types of comments are thrown at women who have done nothing to provoke the attack.  Simply by existing in the vicinity of men, women are now the target for these kinds of attacks.  And we are made to believe that not only do we deserve this treatment, but we need to just allow it to happen because 'it's just a joke' or 'we need to lighten up'.

I for one am SICK OF BEING THE BUTT OF JOKES.

I am well beyond the point of rational, calm discussion about this.  This has got to STOP.   And the only way it's going to stop is by every single person taking a stand against this abuse.

These are your sons, your husbands, your brothers, your coworkers, the people you hang out with, the people you laugh at, the people you turn a blind eye to.

These vermin are attacking your daughters, your wives, your sisters, your mothers, your friends.  Are you going to stand up for them or turn a blind eye until you find yourself standing at their graveside wondering how the hell it got so bad for them they saw no other way out??

When are we going to wake the hell up...

Things I Learned Before 30

Happy 30th

In three short weeks I'll finally dance gracefully stumble into the big 3-0.  It's incredible the magnitude of that number for some of us.  Thankfully, after many years of rewiring my thinking and an infinitely patient counselor, I'm happier looking back and remembering the lessons I've learned, the successes I've had and the obstacles I've overcome.  I'm going to share with you 30 life lessons I've learned so far.

30 Life Lessons

1. Change is a must.

For many years I knew things needed to change.  Bitterness was a constant companion and it took looking inward at very uncomfortable moments sometimes to realize that the only person that could change my unhappiness was me.  For me, change wasn't just a nice idea, but a necessity for my own peace of mind.  But changes don't happen for people when they're not ready.  The change has to be a necessity before you'll work for it.  Recognizing that necessity will give you the courage to make significant changes in your life.

2. Your ego won't save you.

Ego is the antithesis of humility, and without humility we cannot accept growth and change for ourselves. The Japanese method called Kaizen, which essentially means continual growth and learning, is impossible to even begin to practice without first sacrificing one's ego.  Ego will blind you to truths about yourself, it will prevent you from apologizing for being wrong, it will hinder your ability to accept criticisms, and will eventually sabotage your relationships.

3. Growth and Giving are the meaning of life.

Living a meaningful life is simple; commit yourself to a lifetime of continual growth as an individual and give to your community in a meaningful way.  It's just that simple.

4. Finding your passion is important.

My passion is social activism.  I used to think it was drawing, painting, reading, or some other more creative outlet that I have accumulated over the years.  Once I realized what my true passion was, it changed my life. Do yourself a favor and find yours - it will change everything.

5. Relationships matter.

Not all relationships will equate to ground-breaking, life-changing phases of your life... but there are a few key relationships that matter significantly more than the others.  For me there have been less than ten that I've experienced that have genuinely changed who I am as a person and have profoundly effected my state of mind in relation to a great number of topics (family, politics, religion, technology, etc.).  Remember those relationships (you'll know the ones), and what they taught you about the world around you and about yourself.  It's those lessons that will serve as pins in the roadmap of your growth.

6. You don't need everyone to like you.

It's natural for us to seek acceptance, but just like you can't place equal value on every relationship you have, you can't expect other people to always value you as much as you'd prefer.

"Popularity is the crown of laurel which the world puts on bad art. Whatever is popular is wrong."

 - Oscar Wilde

7. Status isn't important.

Along the lines of popularity, as a people we place a lot of value on material wealth as an indicator of true wealth.  I've met plenty of people with what appeared to be very lavish lifestyles who were, in reality, almost completely devoid of true contentedness and bankrupt emotionally.  Like the quote from Fight Club:

"You're not the car you drive.  You're not the contents of your wallet.  You're not your khakis."

8. Jealousy and Envy are wastes of energy.

Jealousy used to be a driving force for my ambition; making me a slave to keeping up with the status quo.  This is still something I suffer from, and work at overcoming constantly.  Now that I've refocused my ambition to more altruistic pursuits, I am able to see more clearly the effects jealousy and envy have on relationships.  I've never subscribed to the idea that displaying jealousy in relationships is a sign of caring.  From what I see, it is better for the health of a relationships to show you care by trusting people, and telling them that you trust them.  When you trust people around you, jealousy just sort of naturally disappears.

9. Find your comforts, but don't let them become crutches.

Many of us develop bad habits with the idea that they are an outlet for releasing negative energy.  Realizing the difference between a vice and a comfort can prevent developing crutches.  Crutches serve only to foster a dependency on unhealthy habits.

10. Love.  A lot.

It sounds cliche to repeat that old saying 'it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' but the message is no less true.  Just as it's important to remember those key relationships that have changed you, committing yourself and allowing yourself to love is key.  Loving is what slows down life and creates those moments of surrealistic beauty in between the daily grind.

11. Just feeling Love is not enough.

It's important for us to love.  But feeling love and showing love are entirely different.  Express your appreciation to those you love by actively showing it.

12. Success is just perspective.

Some people view the house, car, 2.5 kids and a pile of 0's in their bank account as success.  Some people think success is the ability to find contentedness in any situation.  There is no right or wrong answer to what success really looks like.  Find what fulfills you and satisfies you; discover what your dreams are then go out and work for them.  Satisfaction is success, and only you can define what that means.

13. Health is much more important than most people realize.

Without a healthy body, nothing else matters.  Your self-esteem suffers, your activity level suffers, and eventually relationships begin to suffer.  Take care of your body, and it will repay you.  It is, after all, the only one you get in this life!

14. Sentimental items are disposable.

Recently I lost a great deal when a harddrive suffered a mechanical failure.  I lost 13 years worth of photos.  I am a casual but thorough photographer.  I tend to come home with several hundred pictures to edit and post and file away when taking photos.  The upsetting reality I had to face when accepting that those photos had been lost was nothing compared to the resignation of the beautiful memories of the moments I'd captured.  Realizing that it was enough to remember fondly became enough of a comfort.  It's been a lesson I've been reminded of a handful of times in my life.

15. Awareness is the key to freedom.

The ability to focus on what is important is a habit more difficult for some than others.  A part of having a keen awareness is the acknowledgement that most of our lives are filled with excess and to see things clearly we need to clean out the superfluous junk that distracts us.

16. Live in this moment.

Stop allowing your 'should haves' and 'what ifs' to be anchors holding you back from living in this moment.  Instead, allow yourself to fully concentrate on making this moment as meaningful as possible.  Living in this single instance will prevent you from stumbling from looking over your shoulder for reminders of your past failures and missteps, but will also serve to focus you on forward momentum.  Living in this moment will build a series of positive forward-moving moments that will lend themselves naturally to a successful and fulfilling life.

17. Honesty is one of the cornerstones of a healthy state of mind.

Don't lie.  It's really that simple.

18. Never be afraid to be Open.

Being open is more complicated than simply being honest.  Openness requires being articulate, and telling the entire truth.  There are no expansive rules for openness that apply to every person; it is subjective to the individual.  You have to learn how to be honest with yourself before you can be open with other people.  But that's not to imply that you have to open up about everything in your life - just what matters and what you know you need to share with others to obtain what you need - whether it be as simple as them listening so you can vent, or some other type of support.

“It may...be judged indecent in me to come forward on this occasion; but when I see a fellow-creature about to perish through the cowardice of her pretended friends, I wish to be allowed to speak, that I may say what I know of her character.” 
― Mary Shelley

19. Hype and Shock can deteriorate rational thinking.

We are pawns, my dears.  We are all victims to the unstoppable corporate machine.  It isn't hyperbole, it's just a sad truth we face in our society.  But luckily there is a way to counteract the barrage of fear-mongering, war-romanticizing, emotional propaganda making talking heads.  We can train ourselves to not only ignore the hype and the shock messages, but to respond with a venomous distaste so strong we begin to encourage those around us to think more analytically about what information we're told and what emotions we're being encourage to feel.

20. Fear is often an unnecessary emotion.

What do you fear?  Often what we're scared of doesn't actually have a real impact on our lives, or is something out of our control anyway.  Overcoming those irrational fears is a must.

21. Change is nothing to fear; it is simply growth.

Everyone talks about hopes for a brighter future; something they could be proud of one day.  But many of us don't have the courage to change the present to attain that brighter future.  Change is something we believe we should fear because it means uncertainty, and that can mean discomfort and nobody likes that.  It's only when we learn to enjoy the process of change and welcome it when we recognize the signs for it that we can really enjoy the rewards of change.  Change is how we grow.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” 
― Haruki Murakami

22. Events of the past do not predict outcomes in the future.

You can't change the past, so it's important to focus on the present.  Learning and applying the lessons you learned in the past is how to effectively live in the present.  If you find yourself looking backward from time to time, learn to reflect on the lessons instead of the 'what ifs'.

23. Your job isn't always your mission in life.

There is a difference between having a job to make ends meet, and having a job that is an extension of what you're passionate about.  And there is no better or worse; just different.  Your job doesn't have to define who you are.  In fact, those who are lucky enough to have found a way to make a living from what they're good at and enjoy doing, are in the minority.  It is a rarity, and nothing to be ashamed of if you haven't found.  There is great respect to be given to those people who spend time invested in a job that they recognize is a necessity and still apply all their work ethic to.

24. You are not the center of the universe.

Looking at the world around you from a perspective not your own is not easy for everyone to do.  We are predisposed to worrying about what is going on in our own lives to such a degree that it may be difficult for us to see things objectively sometimes.  We are acutely aware of what is going on in our own lives that we start to believe and behave like everything is connected to our own lives.

Only when you disconnect yourself from the idea that you are the center of the universe can you truly pay attention to what is going on in front of you, around you and inside you.

25. Pain happens; suffering we choose.

Pain is what we feel when something is wrong.  It's a valuable indicator that we need to change something immediately.  Suffering is an active choice.  Sometimes we choose suffering when we can't muster the courage to make a change to stop our pain.  Once we accept the lesson the pain taught us, we can end our suffering and move on.

26. Doubt will hold you back.

The only person stopping you from doing everything you want, who stops you from being free, who stops you from being healthy or happy or passionate or ambitious or living a meaningful life, is you.  Doubt can drown every ounce of your life if you let it.

27. Wait sometimes.

We are in such a rush in our lives.  Sometimes it seems as if the entire world flies by us and by the time we look up for air, months have gone by and we're dizzy trying to regain our perspective.

Pause for a moment.  Enjoy this moment.  Stop wherever you're rushing off to, and wait.  Look around, take a deep breath, hear the sounds around you, take in those moments for a brief respite from the blur of time flying by.  You'll remember those moments later, and they will help you feel as though you lived each moment  instead of wondering what you did this past year.

28. Happiness can't come from without.

Lacking happiness creates a void within us.  We often fall victim to attempting to fill that void with things.  Shopping, eating, distractions, alcohol; whatever.  At best, these things will only briefly satisfy you.  At worst, these things can become the focus of our lives, and we end up watching helplessly as we dismantle our lives right out from under ourselves by being empty and depressed and more alone in a sea of material items.  It is during those moments when even being in a crowd of people you feel completely alone.

Find happiness that will truly fulfill you.  (See 4. Finding Your Passion is Important)

29. Learn to say Goodbye.

The first lesson I remember ever learning was: overcome grief.  At its core, grief is the process of saying goodbye.  Saying goodbye to a friend, a job, a house, a pet or a family member; grief manifests itself in so many ways in our lives, and will be a constant companion until those around us must grieve our inevitable death.

It is understanding the process of saying goodbye, and the necessity to overcome grief that allows us to not become a slave to the griefs we are bound to encounter in our lives - over and over.  To be a master of the grieving process is a must for a healthy mindset regarding the end of things, the change of things, and accepting opportunities that present themselves.

Mastering grief is a must in the process of accepting necessary growth.

30. You don't have all the answers.

Accepting change, abandoning ego, and welcoming what the future holds allow me to comfortably say that I don't know everything.  My beliefs, principles, and values change with new knowledge and new experiences... and I accept that I will look back on these things I've learned, and I will modify what I've learned, and will continue to add to what I've learned.

I don't expect these lessons to apply to everyone, and certainly I am not attempting to categorize anyone inaccurately by supposing these lessons I've learned are even relevant to other people or that anyone can definitively appreciate or empathize with any of the things I've come to learn.

It's only my hope that in reading some of these things, you may have found answers to areas of your own life that you've been having struggles with.  And it is my hope that you'll be inspired to look back and take stock of the things you've learned in your life, and perhaps be able to acknowledge areas you then recognize that have a need for some changes... and the courage to take steps to make those changes happen.

(Note: this was inspired by the brilliant Joshua Fields Millburn: 30 Life Lessons from 30 Years)

Peace

By the time I opened my mouth to breathe, the surface of the murky water was already years above my upturned face.  The scream shredding its way from the depths of my lungs gripped my throat, and with a will I'd never known I had, I swallowed it and closed my eyes.

I didn't ask for the blows dealt me.  I didn't ask to have my childhood torn from my hands.  I didn't volunteer my innocence.  No one asked when my naivety was stolen from me.

I didn't ask to be uprooted; I didn't ask to have my friends taken or to have to rebuild my life.

I never wanted the negativity.  I didn't want the years of confusion, I didn't want the sleepless nights, the hungry days, the angry outbursts, the lonely tears, the vicious tongue or the calloused hands.

I don't want these scars.  I don't want these memories.  I want to forget the smells, the loss, the consuming anger.

I want back the life I was promised.

I want to mend the seeping wounds that have tracked their way through the recesses of my mind.

I want the ghosts to stop biding their time in the shadows, watching for cracks in my defense.

I want to walk without the tangled purgatorial chains on my ankles weighing down each step forward.

I ache for freedom.

I weep for peace.

Contemplation

 I remember laying in endless afternoons, when days of the week lost all meaning and entire adventures could be played out in my mind. Recalling those days is like watching a dream sequence in a movie;  I see the naivety of my youth and the callousness of my adolescence.  Those days slipped from my sap-stained hands. That loss stays with me.  But during those fleeting days; those cloudless summer days, I would lay back and look up through bright green spires and I'd give myself up.

 I would think about the person I wanted to be.  I would think about the life I might want to lead.  I would think about my family and my place in it.  I would think about the lessons taught to me by my teachers, my parents, my friends.  I would consider with meticulous care all the ways I struggled to fit into the role given to me.  Most often, I would think about the perfect surrender to time and circumstance. Expressing such insight never came to me in quite so many words... but the sentiment was there.

I remember with staggering clarity the first time I stood before a mirror and really thought about what I was looking at. It became a habit of mine; to center myself among the increasingly chaotic world I've relinquished myself to. There is a humbling peace acquainted with considering your existence as objectively as you are able. I stood in front of that mirror and saw the body I inhabit.  I saw possibility and influence and power. I looked at my face, my eyes, my hands and saw all of the things I could do with such a vessel.  I considered the lives I could change, the knowledge I could acquire, the beauty I could create.  I never considered the inherent selfishness and corruption that could stem from such lofty aspirations.

At thirteen my youth pastor told me that I would change many lives within my lifetime.  A crushing humility overtook me and a vehement denial of such a statement eradicated any ambition I may have  adopted.  Slowly, however, the seed of ambition did take hold and with the virility of a weed it flourished deep inside me.  By the time this ambition caught up with my conscious thought, I was an adult standing before a mirror and absorbing all of the changes I could see--the lines tracing the edges of my mouth and my eyes, the hesitancy in my smile, the age in my eyes beyond my years.  I took time to reacquaint myself with this person, and realized I had been pruning and fertilizing the vines of my ambition for so long I hadn't even been aware of how deep the roots had taken hold.

What amazed me was how much time could pass and how much life altered who I was, yet I more or less remained the same. We each have that core to us; the stem from which our personality grows as our experiences shape and prune us.  It is this core that I honor.  With a sense of responsibility I look into the mirror, and know that despite all the mistakes I have made, all the feelings I've hurt, and all the people I've said goodbye to I am able to take hold of  unquestionable ambition and fight for self-fulfillment.

Peace, I have found, comes not from accepting the circumstances of your life, but from accepting the person you know yourself to be when the world stops looking and you listen to the quiet of your heart. As years roll by like the slow shift on those lazy afternoons, I hope to return to the serenity of soaking in every delicate detail of  a perfect moment. Yet this person in the mirror; the adventurous, passionate, curious child looking back at me from the depths of aged eyes... this is the person I dreamed I would be. There is no hesitation as I reach out again; for boundless curiosity and tenacity; for exceeding my own expectations.

The Principles of Principles

Principles. Miriam Webster defines the word Principle as:

Main Entry: prin·ci·ple
Pronunciation: \ˈprin(t)-s(ə-)pəl, -sə-bəl\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French principe, principle, from Old French, from Latin principium beginning, from princip-, princeps initiator — more at prince
Date: 14th century

1 a : a comprehensive and fundamental law, doctrine, or assumption b (1) : a rule or code of conduct (2) : habitual devotion to right principles (a man of principle) c : the laws or facts of nature underlying the working of an artificial device

Dictionary.com defines the word Principle as:

1.an accepted or professed rule of action or conduct: a person of good moral principles.

5.guiding sense of the requirements and obligations of right conduct: a person of principle.

I am only going to focus on these specific definitions as principles relating to things like science and math aren't the definitions I am talking about (hence there only being specific definitions quoted here).

Defining your principles

Growing up I remember being confused about the concept of my own morals and principles. I remember thinking to myself: what are my principles? What base concepts have I assigned value to in a way that I could consider them my principles? As I gained knowledge from experiences I had, I began to develop and refine and acknowledge my own set of principles that I felt good about. These principles guide me in my life every day, and help me make decisions that I would otherwise have trouble making. I value my principles more than anything else, and am adamant in sticking to those principles.

Having no principles

When I come across someone who either has no strong principles or doesn't actively adhere to any specific principles, it bothers me a great deal. Likewise when a person flaunts behaviors of someone who holds to no particular set of values or principles, I find it very difficult to trust them. Trust to me is very important (I think it's safe to say it is one of the most widely-accepted traits that people value). If I meet someone, or see someone I know exhibiting behaviors akin to someone of no principles, I no longer feel like that person has any set of rules with which to govern themselves in their life. If that is true (or even remotely possible for that person), how can I trust that I, too, am not one of the mediocre landmarks in their blind stumbles through life?

What lack of principles can look like

Let's use an example, to help illustrate this point. I know someone of so little moral standing that I have cut this person completely out of my life. Let's call this person Elizabeth. Elizabeth lives her life to please all of her immediate desires. She cares little for those who get hurt in the process, or how her actions affect others. When I made the decision to cut Elizabeth out of my life, I did so after years of deliberation and stalling. It didn't used to be easy for me to recognize a cancerous influence in my life, and make the decision to remove the proverbial tumor. Those around me knew and generally agreed with my decision and saw the change it made almost instantly on my personal well-being. I moved on, and tried to reflect on the decision with the reassurance of my principles.

Elizabeth didn't. Elizabeth is still living her life with questionable principles, and continues to cause pain to those around her.

The kicker is this: Elizabeth is not the only Elizabeth I know. I have known many over the years. And what never fails to amaze me is how accepting and forgiving those around them seem to be about their behavior. 

What types of behaviors do these Elizabeths (both men and women) display? Actions I find under questionable principles include conniving, manipulative lies and rumors, being unfaithful or disloyal to those around them, shallow, self-centered and judgmental commentary and passive aggressive dramatic tantrums.

Are principles a dying trend?

What is most remarkable is these types of people rarely hide it from anyone... yet they are often surrounded by people who either simply don't care that they are that kind of person, or choose to be blind to these behaviors.

I'm often curious why so many people surround themselves with these types of people and actively ignore their worst behaviors. Is it for the sake of being surrounded by people; no matter the content of their character? Is it to help boost that person's own self-esteem; to know that they are of stronger moral fiber than Elizabeth?

Are those with strict principles a rare breed of person who can take a stand and stay there? Are we a dying breed of person who has values and principles without the guilt or pressure of religious tenets? Or are these Elizabeths a dysfunctional genetic glitch who refuse to live by anyone's rules; including their own?